“The Carnival” Watercolor

By Angie Yingst

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About “The Carnival”

I have painted the image of myself in a hospital gown holding my stillborn daughter Lucia a few times, exploring it in different capacities and settings. Standing in the midst of a grey field. Another time in the sketchbook project. It is a moment in time that seems frozen. In the painting, The Carnival, I juxtaposed it against the backdrop of roller coasters and ferris wheels, because that is what expecting my second daughter and childbirth felt like to me, like all fun and games. Lucia’s pregnancy felt like the happiest period in my life, and I can only remember that feeling from childhood-the pure joy of going to the carnival. When she died, I felt like a fool for not having seen death lurking behind all my joy. And the experience of birthing a dead child felt like the illusion of joy. This usually happy time was so wrong and quiet and disturbing. I have a slight coulrophobia (fear of clowns). I always see clowns as so strange and disconcerting. They paint on a smile and look happy, but if you really look at the mouth of a clown, they are usually not smiling. I wanted to celebrate, but also was so torn in half. And so I felt like I had this bright red clown nose, ready to be happy and silly, but really was mired in grief.

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Biography:
After many years of working in a corporate marketing department as a writer, editor and creative coordinator, Angie Yingst decided to stay home with her first daughter Beatrice. After her second daughter Lucia Paz was stillborn at 38 weeks on Winter Solstice 2008, she began exploring grief through poetry, painting, craft and art. Grasping even a few minutes of focus while making a piece of art became a form of meditation and calm. Angie’s essay, Mothering Grief, appears in a collection of essays about stillbirth called They Were Still Born. Her poetry and writing has been published in several on-line and print magazines including mothering magazine, literary mama, exhale and the now defunct in the rearview. Angie maintains the blog called still life with circles, dealing primarily with mothering and grief. She is also a regular contributor for the website glow in the woods. Angie is also the founder, editor and frequent contributor to still life 365, which is a project conceived out of the sincere desire to create a safe creative space for grieving parents and family members to explore the different aspects of life after loss. She published a piece of art or writing every day in the year 2010 and hopes to continue for many years to come. During 2010, Angie undertook the creative every day challenge, art every day month and nanowrimo, which she chronicles at still life everyday. When she is not writing, maintaining blogs or mothering, Angie paints and illustrates mizuko jizo and other subjects dealing with babyloss, pregnancy and parenting at her etsy shop the Kenna Twins. Angie currently resides outside of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, with her husband, children, and Jack the dog.

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