Survival guide? I can hear the old grandmas now. “What’s so hard about not having children? You’ve got nothing to worry about but yourself. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have kids either.”
However, in a world where most women become mothers, the woman who doesn’t faces a few special challenges, including the mother or mother-in-law who keeps buying stuffed animals for her unborn grandchildren. Here, gleaned from more than 30 years of adult unmotherhood, are seven suggestions for making it through life sans offspring.
1. The question: Do you have children?
It’s just a conversation starter, but answering “no” may start the conversation in a direction you’d rather not travel. So have a reply ready. “I have three stepchildren,” I respond, to which people inevitably answer, “Ooh, you’ve got your hands full.” I don’t tell them the stepchildren are adults and I rarely see them. To the same question, my friend Jill replies, “I have dogs.” Another friend just looks them in the eye and asks, “Why?”
2. The other question: Why don’t you have children?
Telling folks you despise the grubby little urchins with their sticky hands and loud voices will not win you many friends. Besides, most of us like children, just not before breakfast. Until about age 35, you can say you’re not quite ready yet, but after that you need a better excuse. Physical defects, such as nonfunctioning ovaries or slow-swimming sperm earn pity, but who needs that? Announcing that you’d rather become president of your company than add more children to an overpopulated world doesn’t go over well either. I just say, “God had other plans for me.” Those who are not religious might remind people of what happened to their goldfish: they all went belly up the first week.
3. Baby showers
The longer your friends live with babies the more you wonder if they have lost their minds. At baby showers women who have given birth frighten the guest of honor by telling harrowing labor stories, then play obstetric word puzzles and hold timed doll-diapering contests. You will be the only woman who puts the diaper on backwards, who has nothing to contribute to the conversation and who buys a doll-sized lace dress the child will be too big for at birth. You have two choices: tell somebody else’s birth stories and sip as much fortified punch as you can, or announce that you can’t come to the shower because your body-building competition is that weekend.
4. Baby lust
No matter how comfortable you may be most of the time with your status as a childless woman, once in a while you are going to want to cuddle an infant and talk baby talk. Borrow a baby. A sibling, co-worker, or friend will be delighted to pass her child to you for awhile so she can do something alone, like go to the bathroom. Borrowing an infant is like renting that Lexus you could never afford to buy. In both cases, when they need servicing, you give them back.
5. Baby talk
In your 20’s and 30’s many of your friends will spend hours discussing their children- schools, illnesses, and annoying or endearing habits. In your 40’s and beyond they will talk about their grandchildren’s schools, illnesses, and annoying or endearing habits. When you mention your puppy’s new chew toy, they just stare at you. Find a child you can talk about. Stepchildren work well, also nieces and nephews, students or the neighbor’s son down the street. Observe, share, become an associate member of the mom club. Or learn to chat about cars and football with the men.
6. Acting like a child
Have you ever passed an arcade wanting to drop in a few quarters but everyone there is either a child or a parent? Ever miss playing marbles, jacks, or Barbies? Play them alone, and people think you’re nuts. Play them with a child, and you are helping, teaching, interacting. Borrow a kid–with his parents’ permission–and have fun. You’ll get a reputation for being great with kids, and their parents will be grateful because they’re sick of playing arcade games and searching for Barbie’s itty-bitty high heels.
7. The empty nest syndrome
Everyone has an empty nest eventually. Kids grow up and move away, and parents suddenly wonder what happened to their lives. You will have less trouble adjusting because your nest was never full. If you need something to feed and clean up after, get a dog. The dog will never learn to drive, never get married, never tell you that he is embarrassed to be seen with you. And dogs never ask for money or bring home bags of dirty clothes for you to wash. Overall, dogs are more fun than kids. And I’ll bet most of your friends who are raising tiny humans would agree.
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This is actually really sad to me. I love all my babies and wouldn’t trade any one of them for a pet or anything else in the world. Just think if our parents had decided not to have babies (we wouldn’t be here!!) and if everyone stopped having babies (for selfish reasons) then our population would die out! Sad….so sad. My babies give me so much joy. And, how would I know the feeling of joy if I had never experienced the opposite feeling of pain and frustration on the hard “mommy days”. And if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing! I love my babies!!!
My husband and I just got married in October 2009. I am 42 and he is 51. He has two adult children (from previous marriages) and one grandchild. All of which I don’t have a particularly strong rapport with. His past marriage and family situations are complicated to say the least….. Mind you my husband and I have been together for nearly 6 years now and I have learned that you cannot force a family to “blend”. I teach skiing to 3-6 year olds in the winter, love children and would have loved having my own. Unfortunately my husband had a vasectomy during his last marriage of which I was aware of before our relationship became serious.
This is my first marriage and the only person I could imagine myself (even as a little girl) having children with, would be my husband (as in a husband because you should be married to do that). Turns out that the man that I chose to marry because I truly love him and imagine myself growing old with, can no longer make them. Such is REAL life. Why spend thousands of dollars on “surrogate methods” that often end in heartbreak or worse just to fulfill a “need”…? Be happy with all the blessings I have! That’s what I say. You can’t have it all. No matter what our society says. We are not as entitled as we are led to believe. I have the most loving husband in the world and with that, I am truly blessed.
Lighten up S. I’m sure this was written somewhat jokingly. As a woman over 35 who gets asked personal questions about why I don’t have children by strangers, I find this to be comic relief about the subject. I’m sure you love your babies more than I could ever imagine but let’s face it, motherhood is not for everyone. I have several nieces and nephews who I absolutely adore, however, I am simply not cut out for motherhood and my lifestyle would not allow me to be the kind of mother I would want to be. So relax and let us child-free women have a little fun!
I just left my Step-son’s wife’s baby shower. I had a good excuse I had to put the chooks away so they wouldn’t be gotten by the fox. But really I didn’t think I could hold my composure any longer. I’m so lucky – I get to be a Grandma even though I never had the chance to be a mother. But it’s really hard to feel lucky. I have so much self pity and greif and anger and resentment at myself and circumstances that I can’t seem to stop sobbing. I’m 45, when we gave up IVF (Hubby had a vascectomy before we met) he said “I’m so glad we didn’t succeed.” No one ever wanted to have a baby with me. When I was in my 2 week wait on IVF (18 embryo’s) my Mother was experiencing mental Health problems and I was caring for her. She regularly told me I didn’t deserve to be a mother, that she hoped my child would bleed out etc. Always she had her psychotic breaks near the end of my 2 week wait. And always I lost it. My mother’s most famous line is “You know Iwould never hurt you!”. My Dad said it’s better if the family line dies out with him, completely forgetting that I am even part of it, and never imagining that I might have feelings or needs.
So, I came back and put my chooks away. I have chooks while women have babies. **** rotten.
How am I going to manage when the baby comes? I don’t want to be distant and miss out again. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold it together.
I too love my husband who had a vasectomy after 2 children with his first wife. After 15 years I have a good relationship with his kids but would love to have my own and we have spent thousands trying to achieve this only to almost loose my life to an eptopic pregnancy, my first in 8 years of IVF. I am now 37 and the rates of success fall past 36. I am stalked by pregnant women and babies and somedays just want to die. We are put on this earth to procreate. If you cant – why are we here?
I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED AND DESIRE TO HAVE CHILDREN. WHY DO
SOCIETY(MOST) LOOK AND ACT IF YOU ARE WITHOUT CHILDREN IT A
SIN INDEED. HOW DO YOU ANSWER QUESTIONS SUCH AS YOU ARE BORN IN THIS WORLD AND WILL DIE WITHOUT EVER BEEING CALL A MOTHER?
THIS MY CHILD NOT YOUR? YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD CHILDERN?
i sent my comments in under old email this is my new one.
thank you.
The author “s” with the above comment is certainly missing the point of the article. Yes, either one couldn’t or didn’t, many of us childless and it’s too late can nod our heads in agreement with you Ms. Lick. I too give the “other plans” comment or simply “we were not blessed with children” when asked whether my husband and I have children. And thank you, too, for your suggestions on how to handle certain situations. (I for one have learned about football and cars and typically hang out with the men. Even as a teacher with children 6 hours out of each day, I still do not feel entirely comfortable participatingin conversations as none of these are my maternal children.)
If you read again carefully, “S”, I think you will see that Ms. Lick is not recommending NOT having chldren. In fact, why are you reading from this site anyway? Go enjoy those babies!
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Dear S, how is it sad?
Not everyone feels the need to overpopulate the world like some? Some of us CANNOT have children did that ever slip into your mind? Not every women has same desires to have children like others. I beleive personally those who have children are the most selfish people on earth beleiving that what their doing good because they have children and others dont? How is it selfish to decided not to bring more mouth into this world then to bring children into this already over-populated world for YOUR SELFISH GRATIFICATIONS? Most of the suggestions have benifited those who are crap parents and need the hand from us who dont have children…I see many women out their who CHOOSE to have children and then whin about being single mothers on welfare because THEY decided to leave their husbands. STOP playing the sypmathy card and be happy you have children and leave those who are ECO friendly alone.
i dont really agree with what you are saying how could you think like that?
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Dear S
You really have no idea what you are talking about.
I am happy that you are happy with your 3 probably gorgeous children, but you have no right to comment on a pain that you cannot fathom even in your worst nightmares – but maybe I can explain how I feel: I feel like a mother whose children are all dead – can you imagine that? Only I dont have any memories of my children to make me happy again.
There is a deep black pit in my heart and it cannot be filled even after spending numerous fortunes on fertility treatment. My sister’s children are wonderful but they are still her’s – if they are sad or hurt they want their mom, not their aunt. My 3 stepchildren are their mother’s children – they look like her, they think like her. I love them but they are not mine.
My wonderful husband will die long before me, my stepchildren might visit me occasionally, but I will be the lonely old lady in he old age home, and that makes me sad.
So dear S – maybe it would be a better idea for you to spend time on your children rather than commenting on sites not relevant to you in any way. If you are one of those mothers who us childless women cant stand, who are incredibly proud of the fact that a sperm and an egg collided in their bodies, but who are in fact terrible mothers – then it would be OK for you to waste time adding inane statements to websites, just maybe try something less emotional like paleo-astronomy or nuclear physics. I wish you and your children well but I normally try to avoid people like you at all costs.