In a grocery store, elevator, hotel lobby, Starbucks, dry cleaner…opposite a very pregnant woman: How long did it take you to get pregnant? Were doctors involved, or did it happen naturally? Are you remotely aware of how much it hurts me (kills me) a little inside to see you absent-mindedly stroke your swollen belly? Do you even care?
At work when the copy room is locked for a colleague to express breast milk: This office has multiple secure places. Why did you have to choose such a centrally located and well traveled place to take care of this personal business? Did it occur to you that your activity introduces a painful reminder of loss in an otherwise neutral environment for those who will never breast feed? Do you even care?
In a nice restaurant well beyond fussy junior’s bedtime: Is your time and convenience so much more important than everyone else in this room? Don’t you know any baby sitters – or have you alienated them all? Can you appreciate that children like comfortable routines in environments where they are allowed to be kids, not accessories? Do you even care?
In the dentist chair with a new hygienist asking if I have children: Are you prepared for the real answer to that question? Do you want to know about the years of trying, unsuccessfully? The doctor visits? The surgeries? The hormonecocktails once stored in my refrigerator? Do you really want to make me tear up thinking about the years of grief and sadness? Do you even care?
At the mall when I see bad parenting: How is it that you were able to reproduce? It’s obvious your child needs more care than you’re able to offer. You clearly lack the interest or responsibility required to raise a child. Do you even care?
When I’m by myself, nursing cramps from a period: Hey, universe — does reminding me every 28 days for the past 15 years that my womb is useless accomplish anything remotely useful? What’s that? I’m supposed to use this difficult, emotionally complex, extended experience of infertility to find inner strength? It’s supposed to make me a more caring person?
I’ll see about that – after I reload my painkillers. Meanwhile, maybe, can you direct your attention to helping others try to care a little more, too?