Note from the Editor: This is a continuation of Cindy’s column “Infertility Month-by-Month”
Congratulations! You’re Infertile.
The tests are back, and the news in probably just starting to sink in. You are thinking to yourself, ‘Wow—is this really happening?’ Yes. It is. By now you are probably only a few days into the first cry-mester, but never fear, you’ll be an expert in no time! Now that you’re barren, you probably have a lot of questions about what to expect from this point forward. Never fear—I’m your empty womb guide here to help you along each step of the way.
First, let’s run through a few of the symptoms that you may experience during your first month of infertility.
Nausea — You may be feeling queasy at intermittent times during the day. This is known as mourning sickness, and is very common during the first month of infertility. The best cure for mourning sickness is a combination of red wine and dark chocolate, followed by more red wine (may substitute hard liquor as needed).
Frequent Urination — This is not actually a symptom of infertility, but is likely due to the increased intake of alcohol, which acts as a mild diuretic. This too shall pass in the coming months.
Food Cravings—You may have the temptation to eat. A lot. I find myself drawn to pizza, cheeseburgers, and french fries. This may last throughout your infertility, so try to pace yourself.
Amenorrhea—Depending on your type of infertility, you may notice that your periods slow or stop altogether. This may be because you have old, dusty, malfunctioning ovaries — or it may be because of hormone therapy. Most important, it may be due to stress. This is why it is so important to relax during infertility.
Now let’s review a few steps to get you started!
Within the first month after testing positive for infertility, you will need to select a reproductive endocrinologist. Good RE-natal care is an essential ingredient in the recipe for your future baby. Choose carefully—and ask other infertile friends for recommendations. You will be giving this doctor tens of thousands of your hard-earned money…so make sure you like him or her. This will make you less likely to enter a psychotic rage in case you aren’t successful the first, second, or third time.
Second, throw out all those silly pregnancy books. Go out and spend lots of money on books about infertility. This will help you. After all, the more you know, the better you’ll feel. The better you feel, the more you’ll relax. The more you relax, well, you know the answer to that. Further, buying lots of books about infertility will help you feel like you are doing something during a time when you are actually totally helpless.
One of the most fun things out there is the boo date calculator. You can locate these online, and they are super simple to use. First, enter in the date you originally started trying to conceive. The boo date calculator will automatically compute how many months you have until you officially lose your mind. Hint: your boo date will only coincide with an actual due date if you have had a miscarriage or stillbirth—otherwise it will just occur at random intervals throughout your infertility.
Congratulations again. There is only an 18% chance of experiencing infertility, and you get to join the club. This is going to be a special time in your life, and you want to be sure and take in every bit. Join me next time for month two—there’s more growing to do!