Books and Blogs That Bust the Creation Myths
- People can go from desperately wanting a child, to “choosing” to be child free.
- Anyone can adopt.
- Women wind up childless because they put off marriage to establish careers; or were looking for Mr. Right instead of Mr. Good Enough.
- Anyone who wants a baby can get one, because this is America, where there is a solution to every problem.
- Pets, gardening, or spending time with other people’s children fills in for not having biological children of one’s own.
- People without children are not real adults, and don’t know what real love is.
- Infertility is a women’s issue.
Missing in these pervasive, reductive myths, mainly produced by prescriptive how-to books, are the infinite number of individual stories describing the long, complicated, and sometimes unspeakable circumstances that may have led up to someone’s childless status. There is no category in the current zeitgeist for “When all systems fail.”
In this column, I’d like to not only showcase, but help create and promote a market for books and artistic representations that tell the infinite number of individual stories on the infertility/loss/move on experience, in all its myriad outcomes.
Here is one:
My friend Elsa’s older fiancé had two children from a previous marriage, and vetoed more. She agonized and underwent lengthy soul-searching before deciding to go ahead with the marriage, determining to embrace a childfree life. She was relentlessly badgered by everyone from neighbors to co-workers to family members to change her husband’s mind, forcing a baby on him if necessary. A cousin who had tricked an older husband into a child advised the same strategy. In Elsa’s case, it would have been quite a challenge, as her husband had had a vasectomy.
Elsa and I lived in the child-centered, Westchester suburbs outside New York City. I, too, was involuntarily childless, for entirely different reasons, but I can attest the day-to-day experience was scalding. My friend was pitied, her husband demonized. Daily, she heard:
“You’re selfish.”
“You don’t know what real love is.”
“Your husband will leave you.”
He did leave, because with so few counterparts in her workplace and community, her sense of private loss and public alienation corroded her marriage beyond repair.
So much for the Child Free Myth.
The Invisible Woman
I come to Exhale as a childless-not-by-choice woman in the midst of the biggest baby boom since the end of World War II, when newscasters tout their children on air and every actress seems to be having twins at age 47.
But 44% of women in their childbearing years don’t have children, and some never will. While the world is rightly concerned with family issues, the constant focus on motherhood can make it easy for a childless woman to feel that she is less than a woman, that in failing to reproduce, she has failed at life.
Simone de Beauvoir famously said, “You can’t have the book and the baby.” History proved her wrong. But these days, those of us who wound up without a baby oftentimes find that we can’t get a book either – to read or to publish.
In making initial inquiries for this column, I found very few books reflecting my situation, and talked to more than one aspiring author who found the door to publication shut smartly in her face if her story fell outside of the proscribed norms of Motherhood Achieved, or Happily Child Free. Uber-feminist Seal Press has dozens of titles on motherhood, but not a single one on the lives of women without children.
At City College’s Harlem campus, my professors helped me understand why African American writer Ralph Ellison wrote a book called Invisible Man. As well as being excluded by segregation, African Americans saw no reflection of themselves in literature, government, commerce, art or advertising. These days, it is oftentimes the same for those without children.
When I was growing up in the seventies, there was this progressive idea floating around that a woman could live a rich, rewarding life full of close, fulfilling bonds, even if she didn’t marry and have children. In Mary and Rhoda, I saw an alternative future self on the TV screen. Such depictions are nearly extinct now, as the publishing industry churns out book after book with a variation on the theme, I Overcame Fertility, and You Can, Too!
The Bubble of Silence
In my own online search for kinship, I have come across dozens, if not hundreds, of blogs whose purpose is to aid and abet the great fertility quest. Like a tenacious shopper at a discount warehouse, I foraged long and hard, and was finally rewarded with a shining jewel, multidisciplinary artist Tiffany Lee Brown’s blog, Nymphe: Living Childless and Childfree, at http://magdalen.blogs.com/nymphe/
Linked there was a piece published in the Oregonian Humanities Magazine, “Breaking the Bubble of Silence,” detailing how merely relaying to fellow artist friends the subject matter of her most recent performance piece — on the grief of being childless – stopped the conversation cold:
“If I’d announced that I was having a baby, the others would have heaped congratulations on me. If I’d brought out a photo of my lovely stepdaughter and told them of her soccer exploits, they would have chuckled and asked questions. Even if I’d softly admitted that I’d been having a hard time since my aunt passed away, they’d have offered condolences or a hug.But childlessness is a pain experienced in silence. There is no place in civilized conversation for such discussion. No one really knows what to say, and there are no social rituals with which to mourn miscarriages or unsuccessful fertility treatments.
The grief of childlessness visits us for many reasons. Some are infertile. Others don’t have a partner and don’t want to be single parents. The deep need to procreate hits us with a staggering intensity, as primal and undeniable as the need for food, water, and sex. The enormous role of children and family in our cultural, community, religious, and political environments reminds us constantly of what we’ve lost–what we’ve never had in the first place. Many of us feel ashamed to discuss childlessness in public for fear of undercutting the joy of parents and families. And when we do bring it up, we often hear clueless, insensitive, and sometimes cruel responses. So, most of the time, we keep the discussion safely shut away.”
Lee Brown’s year-old blog offers a round up of mini-book reviews and links thoughtful pieces in the alternative press, like a recent Mother Jones piece on the preponderance of new “fertility movies” like And Then She Found Me and Baby Mama, asking “where are the women without bassinets?”
The Portland-area artist has been deeply engaged in exploring the issue of infertility and childlessness in her art – music, visual, performance and writing. Her art goes beyond the issue of personal grief to explore socio-political concerns and the family-centric society.
When her own childless situation hit, it brought into question her entire lifestyle, and all of the choices she had made. Her work is engaged on a global level, examining the very concept of Creating.
“What makes us create?” she asks. “There is this tremendous excitement in our culture about creating – whether it’s babies, buildings, or bombs.”
Currently, her Easter-Island project, touring and interactive on her art site, explores this issue: http://www.magdalen.com. It also gives visitors a chance to participate and offer their own tribute to their own infertility situation. Lee Brown has been fascinated by the South Pacific island since the age of six.
“In a way, I see it as a microcosm of a world, tied deeply into the whole concept of creating, fertility and childlessness. Once well-populated, the island was filled with fertile, abundant tribes, who fought each other.”
Easter Island is known for its huge monolith face-sculptures, ancestral totems worshipped by islanders. The tribes were thought to have moved the figures around the island, in the process cutting down the trees, destroyed the ecosystem, and deprived themselves of the means to go out on the sea and fish. Thus, Easter Island, once a baby-happy place, became greatly depopulated and barren.
“It’s the idea of making babies, and making art, and the ancestral chain. People have babies as a way of connecting to their ancestors, by continuing the line,” she says.
“Giving birth is a way of connecting with their grandmothers, an unofficial spiritual ancestor worship we all practice. Yet, this practice helped wipe out much of the wildlife and population of Easter Island.”
Says Lee Brown, “Our society is messed up when we’re viewed and defined by roles we’re supposed to occupy, as Mom and non-Mom. The system that tells women motherhood is going to be endless bliss, and that finds so many women distressed at their real, challenging and less than blissful experience is the same one that tells non-Mom’s that they’re lacking for not being mothers. There’s the ancient regime telling us we have to be mothers – and the new one where it’s constantly in our daily lives, and a media pitting working Moms against stay at homes and Moms marginalizing and devaluing non-Moms. The divisiveness of pitting child-free or childless against Mommies keeps us from understanding each other.”
While Brown characterizes herself as feminist, she sees the issue as “Totally crossing gender boundaries. Men, women, transgendered, and other-gendered people — all of us experience the pain of childlessness, whether by choice or circumstances.
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Further Reading: An intelligent discussion of fertility blogs appears at: http://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/blogging-infertility.
A blog exclusively devoted to those who are childless at the will of their spouses can be found at: http://www.childlessbymarriage.blogspot.com/.
Upcoming Interviews with Acclaimed Writers: Ann Hood, author of the novel The Knitting Circle and memoir Comfort, both of which deal with child loss, and Elizabeth McCracken, whose recent memoir, An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination, tells the story of her son’s stillbirth. Visit www.ElizabethMcCracken.com to read an excerpt in Oprah magazine.
And More: In planning this column, I have reached out to Exhale staffers with books in the pipeline, as well as other writers, bloggers, agents, editors, and publicists, and have been inundated with an embarrassment of riches. I will be sharing all of their stories in future columns.